Fat in the Ring

     From The Copy Desk: Now that even former N.Y. Governor George E. Pataki (remember him?) has declared his candidacy for the Republic Party Presidential nomination, and after several moments of not so careful consideration, Warren has decided to make a very important announcement.


     " Good afternoon. It's good to see you all here. Thanks for coming," Warren said.
     "I live here and there's nobody else around," Marty grumbled. "Maybe they have all gone to Iowa to woo voters."
     Warren, trying to ignore Marty, continued, "It has come to my attention that many, many things are really messed up and that someone should do something about it.
     "That someone is me . . . I am Warren Marmot Douglas and I now declare myself a candidate for the Republic Party Presidential nomination. Kind of."
     "What the hell does that mean," Marty said. "You want to be a kind of President? Are you founding the Meh? Party?"
     "Here's the plan," Warren said. "I will focus all my campaign efforts on Minnesota. It's my natural constituency. Despite all the lakes, which scare me, I think a state where its major university has 'Golden Gophers' as the mascot is one I can carry."
     "Great. You'll win one state," Marty said. "What will that accomplish?"
     "Well, first of all, think about all the food," Warren said. "Everywhere you go you have to eat the local food or you'll insult people. A whole year of free food!"
     "OK, so you'll get really fat for free," Marty said. "Any other benefits?"
     "With so many candidates, the chances for a deadlocked convention increase, and if I control even a few delegates . .  I could be the GOP power-broker - without spending nearly a billion dollars like some plutocrat," Warren said.
     "On to Bemidji!"