Top of the World

     The wind rushed around outside, just a bit short of a howl, and The Boys were settled in near the wood-stove for a long, cold afternoon of reading. Marty grabbed the new issue of Monax Jones (How The Thing You Hate Is Ruining Your World!) and Warren snagged the iPad off the chair.
      "Throw a log on half-bro," Marty said to Warren. With a new log safely ensconced in the metal box for wood burning, Warren set about to "reading."
     "Why are you wearing headphones if your reading on the iPad," Marty asked. "Why are you wearing headphones! Hey! Warren!"
      "What. Oh, right, you figured it out. Well OK, I'm watching cable TV on the iPad," Warren said. "So what."
     "What's on," Marty said.
     "I can't tell. It's either an old movie on TCM or it's the mid-term election results from the Democrats' point of view," Warren said.
     "Oh I know that one," Marty said. "Top of the World."

The Boys watching a movie, or election results.

    
     From The Copy Desk: Loyal readers will remember back a few months ago when Marty predicted the Democrats would retain control the the U.S. Senate. He was wrong, another data point in the case against groundhogs as useful prognosticators. Phree Phil! If you want to predict anything, it's best to use the "wisdom of the crowd" to improve your chances. See this story,
http://www.npr.org/blogs/parallels/2014/04/02/297839429/-so-you-think-youre-smarter-than-a-cia-agent

Twenty Cents

Warren with his two new dimes.

     It's been a while since The Boys have posted, but they'll tell you they've  been busy and couldn't find the time. In reality, which they sometimes visit, they are just a couple of lazy homebodies who on the whole have accomplished very little these last weeks ..... except for enjoying the amazing string of warm, sunny days that make living in Upstate New York worth all its other annoyances. Now however, they have some catching up to do - The Copy Desk.


     "The guy on CNBC says there's a new pair of dimes, now that the price of oil has crashed, the stock market is tanking, E-bola has escaped from Africa, ISIS is holding and gaining territory and the Republic Party looks poised to take control of the U.S. Senate next month," Warren quivered, shaken by the thought of impending doom injected into his brain by the "nooze media."
     "War, greed, pestilance and total disaster," Marty said, "Same old, same old. Keep Calm and Carry On, Warren. This is all just morte of the same."
     "So you're not worried?" Warren asked, "What about all the other things like ...."
     "No! It's just life. Things change, bad things happen and by the way the word is paradigm, and there are fewer overused phrases than 'new paradigm,'" Marty said. "So that's why you've got 20 cents there with you? You should really think about this stuff before you go out on a limb."
    Warren now realized that his harrowing trip to the bank to exchange his two old dimes for two new ones was pointless - unlike the dog with pointy teeth he had to avoid and the spears on chains at the bank. (They looked like pens, but none of them wrote so they had to be something else, Warren thought.)
     "But what about the market today, it's really taking a beating," Warren asked.

The Boys watch Wednesday's market meltdown.

"And Gold Man Sacks makes money no matter what happens," Marty said. "Besides, by the time The Copy Desk posts this, the market could change its mind and shoot back up. It's already bounced back from down 460 to down "just" 360."
     Warren, grinning, said, "So you're saying the market has recovered, since it's done a '360.'"
     "Sometimes, halph-brother, you really make me wish I was an only child," Marty said.
     "So now as punishment for your bad joke, I get to pontificate," Marty said, "so let's get to it, in list form, please, Mr. Copy Desk .....
     * ISIS is a minority and will eventually be overwhelmed by reasonable people. This is will be fine, until ISIS is replaced by another radical faction.
     * E-bola, it's not a new operating system. As a virus we can, and are reportedly close, develop vaccines and anti-viral treatments.
     * The plunge in oil prices was overdue since U.S. production surged and world demand eased - last year. This drop is good for the U.S. economy, to a point, and is providing the only real increased spending power to the 99 percent in the last decade.
     * Stock prices move all the time. The market trades on greed and fear. Now with computerized trading, it can swing faster and farther.
     * The U.S. Senate race isn't over yet. There are still a few weeks for Republic Party candidates to implode. The best non-biased site for tracking U.S. elections remains http://www.electoral-vote.com/
     * Troubles are a dime a dozen, we just might have 20 cents worth now because we've stopped solving problems in Washington, D.C. for the last four years.
     "Thank you, Holy Father,' Warren said.

Let's Be Reasonable

 
     "Hey old man, where have you been," Warren said to Marty. "You've been on vacation or something?"
     Marty, still feeling sated by, yes, his vacation, turned slowly to his annoying younger halfling of a brother and thinking before speaking what was really on his mind, said, "Scotland was wonderful. Great people, beautiful county and so civilized. If you put traffic circles on U.S. urban expressways there would be mass shootings, accidents galore and gridlock from confusion.
     "But in Scotland, all the drivers are not eating, talking on their phone or otherwise distracted, so the traffic circles work great. It helps they're all driving stick shifts, so they don't have an extra hand for texting and eating."
     "I'm hungry now," Warren said. "Let's go get some fast food."
     "I wouldn't advise it," Marty said. "Both on health grounds and because the workers could be out walking the picket line to demand better pay."
     (From The Copy Desk: Last week American fast food workers staged another protest/picket to demand $15 per hour, a living wage, and once again this was dismissed by the giant corporations as "not reasonable." For more information see: strikefastfood.org)
     "The corporations all say they can't afford to raise the pay of their workers," Marty said, "but the CEO of McDonald's makes about $9,200 per hour. That's almost 600 times the salary of a typical burger slinger.
     "And then there's Burger King. It's buying Tim Horton's and 'relocating' to Canada. This is a tax dodge, to get the lower Canadian corporate tax. Very patriotic of them."
     "That's insane," Warren said. "I'll never eat one of their salads again. Would this move really save them money?"
     "Actually, it may be debatable," Marty said. "The statutory U.S. corporate tax rate is 35 percent, but with all the loopholes and tax dodges the effective corporate rate is about 12.5 percent. So these tax-driven moves to overseas may not be the windfall these very profitable companies hope for."
     Warren, once again appearing a bit dazed, said, "It's clear to me now. The corporate greed syndrome makes the rich richer, and the rest of us suffer. As long as we patronize them that's oppressing us, we will be complicit and suffer for it."
     "Amen," Marty said.

The Word Marmot

    
     "Hey Marty, what's hypocrisy," Warren asked.
     "You gotta start looking this stuff up for yourself," Marty said. "You learn by doing, so get to it."
     Warren wandered over to the Webster's Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary of the English Language (1989 edition), wondering why, since the first four words of the title ARE in English they felt the need to add the "of the English Language" bit to the title - it seemed superfluous.
     "OK, lets see. H - I - P," Warren said out loud.
     "Wrong again Cheney," Marty snarked.
     "I'll get there, let me do the work you told me to do," Warren said. "OK, sorry," Marty said.
     From The Copy Desk: At this point we need to cite this for the lexicographers; this may be the first usage of Cheney as an general term for someone who's wrong all the time.
     "Hey I found it," Warren said. "It says 'hy-poc-ri-sy, n. a pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not possess.'"
     "That's good, now you need a solid example to set the concept for you," Marty said. "And the best one in the news now is Hobby Lobby."
     "That's the 'closely-held' corporation with religious beliefs?" Warren asked. "Which accepts the benefits of incorporation, personal asset protection, deductible expenses, various tax incentives and flexibility, name protection and perpetual existence . . . but refuses on religious grounds to obey the law that requires them to offer certain medical benefits to its employees - certain contraceptives that it feels are abortion, even though medically it's not considered as such.
    "But where's the hypocrisy," Warren said.
     "Well, this corporation makes its profits selling stuff that's mostly made in China, where there is religious prosecution, forced abortions, child labor and litany of other offenses suitable for religious objections," Marty said, "But it's quite happy to keep these profits. They just don't want to spend the money they make selling things from China on the individual choices made by their employees."
     "I've got it now," Warren said. "

The Hard Way

     "Lazy old sun, what have you done to summertime," Marty grumbled, after the third day in a row of dark clouds and rain.
     "I'm too terrified to walk out of my own front door," Warren said, after yet another clap of thunder rattled the dishes in the summer burrow.

Warren watches Eric Cantor quit the House leadership.

So, while they were holed up in the burrow, The Boys turned on the cable news and saw that a highly conservative member of the terribly conservative wing of the Republic Party, who, after losing his party primary for not being conservative enough, was in the process of resigning his post in the party leadership in the U.S. House of Representatives.
     "Something better beginning," Marty quipped. "How I love to hear the demolition sound."
      Warren cocked his head and asked, "You really got me. I'm not dumb but I can't understand."
     Marty paused, realizing his half-brother could not see that this political infighting could be the first crack in the Republic Party's hopes to make serious gains in the fall elections. "Conservatives live in a world gone by," Marty said, adding vehemently, "No more looking back. No more living in the past."
     "This time tomorrow what will we know," Warren asked.
      Of course this is too soon to know much of anything new, but Marty felt that the future was worth pondering with regard to today's situation with the rival political parties ... but "hatred is the only thing that lasts forever," he said sadly.
     Warren, now gazing at the television with glazed eyes, said, "Look at all the loonies and sad eyed failures."
     Marty glanced over, seeing the Faux Nooze clones lounging on their couches was they spouted their distortions, and stated, "You look like a real human being but you don't have a mind of your own . . . you're brainwashed."

     From The Copy Desk: The ardent Kinks' fans out there saw it, but for the rest of you "dull and simple lad(s)," all The Boys' statements above are lines lifted from Kinks songs . . . their way of honoring Raymond Douglas Davies on the occasion of his 70th birthday yesterday, June 21. God Bless The Kinks.

Gooooooals Are Important

Marty and Warren watching a World Cup Finals football
match between Iran and Nigeria.

     "This is like the 13th match we've watched since last Thursday," Warren said.
     "This IS the 13th match we've watched," Marty said, disgusted with Warren's use of the dreaded "like" word.
     "This is easily the worst match so far," Warren said. "That Germany game and the Netherlands destruction of Spain, wow, and then Costa Rica knocks off Uruguay. Amazing."
     "It's Iran v. Nigeria. One team is athletic, but disorganized, and the other just wants to defend and pray for a counter-attack goal," Marty said. "As they did on June 21, 1998, when they dealt "Death to America" with a 2-1 victory over the USA in Lyon, France. It knocked us out of the tournament."
     Warren asked, "Is that another one of those things you just remember?"
     "No, I needed Marmopedia to get the date exactly right. After the USA game today, I'm going back to rooting for our boys from the Ivory Coast," Marty said. "On Thursday "The Elephants" are back in action against Colombia."
    "The Elephants? What you talkin' 'bout Marty," Warren said. "They don't let elephants play football in the World Cup."

     "No, that's just the nickname of the Ivory Coast team, or Cote' d'Ivoire if you want to get all French about it."
     "Hey it's almost game time. Grab the dinner and the beverages and lets go. USA! USA!," Marty said.
     "I got it, Ghana's gonna go down," Warren cried.
      From The Copy Desk: Yes The Boys' second-favorite football team is the Ivory Coast. Just because they like elephants, and wish just some of the Predator drones on the planet would be deployed to defend the herds from poachers. See their earlier post "Drone Alone."
    
    

Survey Results

Marty, as required by federal law, fills out his American Community Survey.

     From The Copy Desk: Marty was exhausted after filling out the American Community Survey for the U.S. Census Bureau. So he took a nap, but unfortunately where he laid down later was in direct sunlight - nearly frying his brain. Warren's quick action to put a cold compress on Marty's head saved the day and the sudden cold gave Marty a clear insight and vision for this November. What follows is a rough transcript of his predictions.


     M: Whoa. My head hurts. Why do I have a cold towel on my head?
     W: You fell asleep in the sun and nearly fried your brain. The cold towel should bring you back to reality. You've been babbling. You said something about the Cent Nate and the Demo Crates.
     M: That would be the Senate and the Democrats. You should get your hearing checked.
     W: OK. The Senate and the Democrats. What about them?

Marty out on a limb to predict the 2014 election.

     M: It occurs to me that the prevailing pundit predictions are wrong. There's more going on than they'll admit to and even more that they willfully ignore.
     W: Do tell.
     M:Well, right off the bat, I say the Democrats hold on to the U.S. Senate. The extreme Republic Party rhetoric will alienate enough voters to make it possible for the Democrats to hang on. Also, the economy will finally start to grow and that will also help immensely. Other factors could also help - economic growth in Europe, a realization that the rabid, blanket opposition to anything the current administration does is actually damaging the nation, a backlash against the sea of secret money that, if reports are true, has already purchased all the relevant television time in all important markets and, this is my favorite part, a superior 'ground game' by the Democrats to get out their voters.
     W: I think your head is still too hot.
     M: Nope. I can see clearly now the pain is gone.
    

Nyet Neutrality

     From The Copy Desk: Marty and Warren are concerned about the recent Federal Communications Commission proposal to "preserve" net neutrality . . . the concept that has made the Internet work as well as it has so far and also made it the dangerous, ad-infested, banal and gross place that it is - all data is equal.



     "Hey Marty look at this webpage," Warren shouted. "There's videos of humans doing really stupid things. They're so cute when they fall down."

Warren checks out stupid human videos.

     Marty looked up from the U.S. Census Bureau's "American Community Survey" packet he'd recently received in the mail. "Don't bother me," Marty grumbled. "I have to fill out this stupid form for the federal government."
     "Why? Can't they fill out their own forms, they must be pretty stupid. Maybe there's videos of federal bureaucrats doing stupid things," Warren said. (There are, of course, videos of federal bureaucrats doing stupid things. And yes, they should all be collected at one website for the public's entertainment - we should get more for our money. I'm talking to you GSA. - The Copy Desk)
     "No silly. They want to know stuff about us and our house," Marty said.
     "Isn't that what the NSA is for," Warren quipped.
      "Well mostly," Marty said. "Maybe they're testing our honesty. If my answers don't agree with their data - fire up the black helicopters."
     "So why did your survey come in the mail," Warren asked. "Can't you do it online?"
     "I could have but I didn't want to log into any more federal websites than I have to. It's best to keep a low profile with those guys," Marty said. "Also, if the Chinese hackers are into the Census Bureau's systems, they'll  be able to get at me."
     "Sounds scary, who's supposed to protect us from online threats and keep this thing working good," Warren asked.
     "That's the job of the Federal Communications Commission," Marty said. "And some other bureaucrats and spies, but the FCC makes the basic rules, when they get around to it.
     "Did you see the story about the FCC proposing new rules designed to preserve net neutrality," Marty said. "It's pretty funny. They decided that it is, indeed, wrong to let Internet Service Providers slow down some data for the benefit of data from sources that pay them more, but then said it's OK to let ISPs speed up some data from sources that pay them more."
    "That makes no sense, how do I tell them it's a stupid idea," Warren said.
    "I think there's a federal website you can go to, but I haven't looked it up," Marty said. (To comment of the FCC's proposed net neutrality rule visit  FCC.gov/comments and go to Proceeding No. 14-28, also known as "Protecting and Promoting the Open Internet." - The Copy Desk)
     "If they let the money control the flow of data packets on the Internet," Marty warned, "It will be the end of the largest freely open collaboration, communication and creation system ever devised."
    Warren whispered in Marty's ear, he seemed to think for a bit, whispered back into Warren's ear and then they scurried off to the lab.

Warren and Marty with a series of tubes, intent on building their own Internet.

Happy "Brothers Day"

     From The Copy Desk: It is worth remembering that groundhogs, Latin name marmota monax, are a bit hard of hearing. Who am I to stop them if they're having fun.


    

Marty and Warren celebrating "Brothers Day" with some regional beverages.
 From The Copy Desk: You can see why green and purple are the boys' favorite colors.

Either Oar

   Heaven sometimes speaks through the mouths of false prophets for the confusion of the wicked.
                                                                                   - Father Fray Antonio Agapida

                                                     Washington Irving, Chronicle of the Fall of Grenada


      Warren, still recovering from his recent enlightenment, faced the daunting task of rebuilding his worldview.Thankfully he's not German, or he'd have to learn to spell that really long German word for worldview. 
      So the younger half-brother turned once again to Marty, posing this question, "So how is it that things are so messed up at this time."
     "That's a long story," Marty said. "But I'll give you the 'Cliff Notes' version. I blame Congress."
     "What does a precipice have to do with any of this," Warren said. "There's no cliffs around here for 20 miles."
     Marty sighed, wondering how to explain the situation to his simple halfling brother. "Sorry, let me start over with a metaphor.
     "If we were in a rowboat, sharing the work, we would need to row together or we'd just go around in circles. That's what's happening now . . . one side of the boat, on the ship of state if you will, isn't rowing."
     "Who's not rowing," Warren asked. "Is it the Republic Party?"
     "You've been paying attention, good gopher," Marty said.
     "Here's the details, in list form," Marty said.
     * Obama is a weak leader - so say the same people who howled in opposition when he threatened to bomb Syria.
     * The stimulus package was a failure - so say those who fail to mention 1/3 for the money went to their favorite things, tax cuts, which did little to help the economy and left too little money for things like infrastructure that actually put people to work.
     * The IRS targets conservative groups - actually it also targeted all the groups with "Occupy" in the name.
     * Obama is a dictator - (see Obama is a weak leader above, then ponder the paradox) the president uses the tools of the executive branch to help make things better because Congress won't do anything.

Marty and Warren watch The Daily Show.

     * Benghazi is a terrible scandal and coverup - so say the people who voted to reduce the funding of the State Department's security program. And besides, investigations about TV talk show "talking points' is really just politicians accusing politicians of being politicians.
     * The Affordable Care Act is a terrible idea - which came from the Heritage Foundation, a market-based solution to covering the uninsured.
     *  The President's policies have impeded economic progress - so say those who threatened to default on the nation's debt.
      * "Voter Fraud" justifies onerous requirements for voting and restrictions or elimination of expanded voting -  besides there being no real proof of almost ANY individual voter fraud, how dare they stand there and deny Americans votes when they suppress votes in areas unlikely to support them by reducing polling places and the capacity of the remaining polling places (Ohio, in particular).
     * Obama's actions somehow "disrespect" the office of the president - so say those who denigrate and insult the man who was elected president twice (one more than George W. Bush, who after all was appointed the first time by the Supreme Court).
     * The "Left" is at war with religion - well maybe with fundamentalist fanatics who refuse to let others believe what they want (freedom) and insist on imposing their views on everyone else (in a nation founded on religious freedom, the Founding Fathers said you can't legislate a man's beliefs . . . also see Jefferson's Virginia Statute of Religious Freedom).

     "Wow, that's 10 things," Warren said, "Is there more?"
     Marty looked over at the glazed-eyed half-brother and rolled his eyes. "Indeed, but we'll get to that another day."

      

      

Earth Day

Marty and Warren celebrating Earth Day, April 22.

     From The Copy Desk: The boys are busy today, digging and whatnot, so they asked The Copy Desk to offer a holiday message on their behalf.

     On Earth Day, one of the major holidays on the Groundhog Daze calendar, it's important to get out and interact with the soil. Actually, it's important to do that a lot more than most of us do . . . and not with a tiller or a tractor, but with hand tools. Go plant something, clear out a garden bed or just lie down in the grass in the sun. The boys are proponents of a quieter life .... walks without iPods in your ears, phones that are turned off and time to just be with your own thoughts. Digging is therapeutic, try it some time.

News to Me Too

     Some things, like a Ray Davies song or Count Basie's left hand, approach perfection. Others, well, not so much. - The Copy Desk



     It's spring. Warren was outside waiting for the first new grass to grow. Marty lounged about inside, doing some shopping at Mississippi.com for some new music. He had just finished making his predictions at his web-enabled prediction league. (This marmot, unlike the imprisoned Phil, is paid for his dedicated prediction league participation, in the form of a Mississippi.com gift card worth 250 clods - The Copy Desk)
     Warren popped his head inside, shouting, "I think the grass is about to grow. You should come outside and watch with me." Marty glanced at the outside temperature, 34 degrees, and knew Warren was once again delusional. "It can't be growing yet, science says it's too cold," Marty said.
     "So much for global warming, you just admitted it, finally," Warren said with glee. Warren went back outside, secure in his faith that the grass was about to sprout - that's what they told him on Faux News, and he believed everything they said ..... once they shouted it over and over enough.
      "Weather is not climate," Marty said loudly enough for Warren to hear, but not so loud as to be construed as a shout, a sign of the weakness of your argument.The news, the politicians - what if anything they say is the truth, Marty thought. Wrong on almost every subject, that's the Republic  Party, and nobody seems to care or call them out on it.
     "Grass doesn't grow at 34 degrees," Marty told Warren in the cold spring sunshine outside. "You should come in, without pants you'll freeze."
     "No. It's starting to grow now," Warren insisted. "Look it's greener than it was an hour ago."
     "It's not growing, the globe is warming, not all poor people are lazy, the rich are not job creators, corporations are not people, money is not speech, hedge funds and computerized trading are skimming money out of all our pockets, the Standard American Diet is bad for your health, no one should ever eat fast food, deficits are not the problem during a recession, budget cuts don't create economic growth, the rich can't keep getting richer indefinitely and groundhogs are no better at predicting things than any other species," Marty said.
    

Warren, bowled over by the truth.

      (But you'll notice there's a bit of green grass behind Warren - The Copy Desk)

News to me

           Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the world made sense. Political debates raged, passionate speeches were made and the facts were all generally accepted. No more. So in light of this change, The Boys take a look at modern political "discourse." - The Copy Desk



          "It says here that OsamaCare gives you herpes," Warren said, looking up from his Coke Mothers' Monthly magazine. "And it also makes you fat, impotent and after you get old and sick, they send you to the death star."
          Marty shrugged. He has been telling Warren for years now that the facts, for some, are flexible. It seems that just the mindless repetition of misinformation, and peoples' unwillingness to actually think, has created a nation of people willing to vote against their own interests. "I can't even listen to the news anymore," Marty said. "They debate things that were settled decades ago, block everyday normal actions out of spite  . . .  putting party above patriotism. It actually makes me feel sick at times."
          Putting on the hot water for tea, Marty contemplated the changes, ciphering in the changes in the media landscape, the demise of the gatekeepers, the rise of money and the fact that money seems to equal speech, and decided to shrug off his malaise and look for a way through this thicket of troubles.
          The tea, ginger and lemon, would help with the sickening feeling that the deliberate lies, distortions and willful ignorance causes in his stomach. "Why is it so many people believe this stuff?" he thought. "Are they really so incurious as to think that not thinking is the best way to make policy, to ignore facts will get you to the truth, that making stuff up will fool most of the people most of the time?"
         "The biggest issues," Marty said, "Are that most people have no sense of proportion and they totally lack any historical perspective."
         "Give me some examples," Warren said.
          "Oh where do I start. It could be light bulbs, immigration, climate change, the deficit or any of the recent fake scandals," Marty said.
           "Light bulbs? You're going back to the thing about lumens?" Warren said. "Please don't shout at me again."

Marty stays informed with one of his favorite magazines.

            "Not this time," Marty said. "But the whole "government wants to take away my incandescent light bulbs" distortion is epic. The law was passed 8 or 10 years ago and it requires that incandescent bulbs become more efficient. It doesn't ban them. But the people who actually sponsored and voted for the law took to jumping in front of cameras to shout about the arrogance of the administration. Prompting normal people to buy a lifetime supply of less efficient bulbs. When in fact it was their party and their president who passed the law."
         "How do you remember all this stuff," Warren asked.
         "Like you half-brother," Marty said, "It's a gift and a curse."

        

The answer my friend ...

The boys check the electric meters for defects.

        "Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh," Warren screamed, falling over backwards off his chair, the just-opened mail fluttering slowly down over him.
      Marty, waking from his nap, wondered what the silly half-brother was on about this time. The income tax fiasco had been settled by H&R Brick, so what could have set him off this time.
     "This electric bill is obscene," Warren said as he gathered up all the papers off the floor. "Those dogs at Irrational Greed have gone too far this time. I can't believe they more than doubled the electric bill from last month."
     "You're crazy," Marty said. "That can't be true, let me see the bills." Warren handed over the new bills and Marty grabbed a calculator and began adding up the long numbers on the right side of the decimal point to figure out the electric rate.
     "OK, to start there's 'Electricity Supply' at 0.0802, plus 'Merchant Function' at 0.002904 and 'ESRM' at 0.066069, hit equals and the total is 0.1492009 per kilowatt hour," Marty said. "What's ESRM? Ergregious Sinful Ripoff Metric?" (Actually ESRM is defined by the utility as Electricity Supply Reconciliation Mechanism - to reconcile electricity supply revenues for the month with the market cost of electricity - The Copy Desk).
     "Fourteen cents a kilowatt hour, there's got to be a mistake somewhere," Marty said. The boys decided to check the electric meter outside, but aside from hurting Marty's tail as Warren held it to keep Marty from falling, nothing was accomplished.
     "Last month's electric rate was just 0.0718846 and back in September we paid even less, 0.0692497," Marty said after burrowing down into the paid bills folder. Then Marty remembered that last year he switched the summer burrow over to another electricity supplier and took the all-windpower option. It was more expensive, but the summer burrow doesn't use much power and it wouldn't really cost that much more.
     "Hey, the price of windpower, one of those overpriced, Al Gore endorsed, government imposed renewable power supplies, is cheaper," Marty said. "The rate is 0.13375 and it hasn't changed since we switched over. (If the boys got all their power from the wind last month they would have saved about 13 clods on the power bill. But market forces only rarely push power rates above the fixed price of windpower, still it's interested that sometimes, wind is competitive - The Copy Desk)
     "We can pay the bill this month, but we'll have to cut back if we're going to be able to buy pants at some point," Marty said.

     (So to pay the Irrational Greed bill and continue saving up to buy pants, the boys did the only thing they could think of . . . . - The Copy Desk)

Warren and Marty freezing in the dark.

    

Render unto Caesar .... a salad, it's easier

Warren works on his taxes.

     "Why do I have to pay taxes if all year I just worked underground," Warren said, to nobody in particular. Marty, sleeping nearby, didn't wake despite Warrens constant shouting at his computer and throwing pencils around the room.
     "Now it wants to know if on any third day of any month last year if I was under age 5.5, if so, enter 0.75 on line 24 and multiply line 23 by line 24 and enter that on line 27 ..... unless you're a marsupial, in which case you enter the number on line 16 of form 8899 and do the worksheet on the back to determine if you've earned too many clods this year to qualify for the burrow enhancement credit (see form 23554.996)," Warren muttered. "This is absurd, did Kafka write this stuff. If there was some Raid around I'd kill myself right now," he shouted.
     This, finally, woke Marty. 'I'll go to the store if you need some," the helpful half-brother said.
     "Listen to this next bit, it gets worse," Warren screamed, now barely able to retain consciousness from hyperventilating. Marty, thinking fast, covered Warren's head with a paper bag and rubbed his elbows (It's a marmot thing, you wouldn't understand - The Copy Desk). Warren slowly calmed down and agreed to take a nap (They almost always agree to naps - TCD).
     "It says this is form 1040 EZ," Marty said. "I bet I can do it." Marty gathered all Warren's paperwork, adjusted the computer screen (Warren always tilts it too far back) and set about doing the taxes. Methodically he began working his way through the forms, the worksheets and the tax tables. "Now it says to take the product of line 16 times line 15 and enter that number on the worksheet for form 8900," Marty said. "I think I'm almost done."
     From The Copy Desk: What happened next is unclear. Warren awoke from his nap and found the following scene.

Marty succumbs to the rigors of tax preparation.

                                                                                    

Drone Alone

     From The Copy Desk: Mourning has broken, the boys are back and ready to resume their lives in a post-Harold Ramis world.


     Marty and Warren were discussing their favorite animals, dolphins, pheasants and elephants.  They agreed that dolphins are cool because they're smart, like to play, polite (Thanks for all the fish) and they live in the ocean - where they pose no risk to marmots. Pheasants have their uses, like bursting up out the grass and scaring the pants off anyone crossing the meadow, and in addition there is the preferred 'ph' spelling of their name.
     Now as for elephants, Marty said, "I think they're just about the greatest animals, after marmots, on the planet." Warren for once agreed with Marty's opinion, citing his research on Marmopedia, "It says they live in family groups led by their matriarch, so they always listen to their mother or grandmother."
     "But the elephant in the room is under attack," Marty said. He is, in fact, just a little confused. The elephants on the savannah are under attack . . . By greed and poverty. Greed is fueling a holocaust of elephants as gangs of impoverished humans are gunning down elephants at a record rate,  using axes to chop off tusks of dying animals and shipping the ivory to Asia so China and Philippines can get rich selling carved trinkets.
     "Somebody should do something," Warren said. Marty thought for a moment and then said, "It's simple. I know how to stop the elephant slaughter." Warren gave Marty his trademark 'do tell' look and waited.
     "Drones, alone, can save the herds," Marty said. "Work with the national governments in Africa and put armed Predator drones overhead to hunt the poachers. A few cases of Hellfire missiles raining down on poachers from unseen drones, both day and night, will crush the poaching business, don't you think?"
     "Like an elephant stepping on a grape," Warren said.

RIP Harold Ramis

From The Copy Desk:

    Today the boys are in mourning, actually they've been been mourning all afternoon and it will probably continue on through the evening until morning comes, for Harold Ramis - a great American writer, director and actor. A co-writer and director of Caddyshack, Ramis died Monday in Chicago. Marty and Warren ask that you respect their privacy during this difficult time.

Lemmings, lemons and lumens

      Marty's latest idea was to save money and bother by buying LED light bulbs, The Copy Desk reports, and offers a transcript of the boys' efforts.

       "The bathroom light is out again," Marty said, "Warren go under the stairs and grab a new bulb."
Warren scurries off under the stairs and returns. "I got that bulb you wanted," Warren says and hands over a standard incandescent bulb.  Marty shouts, "Warren I've told you we need mini-candelabra bulbs."
      "Mini-candle what," Warren says, confused. "Labra," Marty says. Warren goes off and returns empty-handed. "We're all out," Warren says. Marty stomps off and gets on the computer to order new bulbs from Mississippi.com, but when he sees the ads for LEDs he goes there instead.
     "It says something about how many lumens it emits while only using 8 watts," Marty says. "How does a light bulb give off lemmings," Warren says. "Lumens!" Marty shouts, "Lumens!"
      "Lemons?" Warren asks. "Lumens!" Marty shouts, "Lumens! It's a measure of the light bulbs give off."
      "Don't shout, you'll wake the lemmings," Warren snickered.

Man our butts are cold! We should get some pants.